9 Ways to Stardom

self-help-style steps for glory hounds wishing to become famous television or movie stars. The results are uneven (and I haven't edited them at all), if not amusing in their own right, and represent the inaugural tutorial.

1. Accidentally Capitalizing on your Sister's Chance

1. When you're three years old, obtain a baby sister. A really cute one. So cute that your parents will take her to audition for commercials.


2. While your really cute sister is auditioning for her commercial, start eating a banana. Throw the peel on the floor when no one is looking. Then, forget about it for a while, until you accidentally trip on it and fall in a very funny way.


3. The producer, who is passing by at the very moment of your fall, will stop everything to watch you. Then, inspired by your comic genius, he will immediately offer you the contract that would have gone to your sister. Sign it immediately. (As soon as you learn how to write your name, that is.)


4. During your career as a tiny Charlie Chaplin, teach your younger sister the best and funniest way to fall on a banana. Then, when your career is over and you have to enter elementary school, she can pick up the slack and keep earning the big bucks for your family.

This one was definitely the best, and not just because it showed up first in moderation. It is exactly the kind of answer I was hoping for and brought a smile to my face.

2. Steps to become a famous television or movie star

1. You need to have a pretty face and body.


2. Maybe you will need to won an American Idol contest or to be the next Miss Universe.


3. If you like reality shows, why not to participate in one.


4. Get married with a movie film producer.

Obviously these are the results of a very literal-minded person and read more like a collection of plain tips rather than a guide. What's funny about it is the first step starts off purposely with what you need, but then the second stumbles with a maybe.

3. Ride the Wave of the Moment

1. Come up with an idiotic idea for a time-wasting website or blog.


2. Create blog. Write controversial statements and/or catch an inciteful rumor about another celebrity.


3. You have created buzz around your site or your name. Now it's time to cash in. Participate in a ridiculous scandal or join Scientology.


4. Sign up for Ashton Kutcher's next 2nd rate reality show. Score! Now you'll at least make a backpage advertisement in the latest teen magazine.

Well, I've got this one started, only three steps to go!

4. The Easy Way to Stardom

1. Sit on your couch and do nothing like Ben Affleck did while Matt Damon wrote Good Will Hunting.


2. Look Cool. Buy the latest clothing and be sure to overpay.


3. Cuddle up with a cute director or producer. This will definitely good your foot in the door.


4. Don't try to act. A lot of big name actors are just themselves from role to role and are fine with being mediocre - you should be too!

I sense some cold cynicism.

5. Become the biggest star ever

1. Take singing and dancing lessons as a kid.


2. Create a catch-phrase and say it during casting sessions while singing and dancing.


3. Start a Disney show that showcases not just your catch-phrase, but your singing and dancing, then take the act on the road.


4. Star in the Disney-backed movie about either school or summer camp.

The last step would include genre-blending dance movies where the underdogs get to bring it, sing it, or serve it.

6. Market yourself!

1. Get yourself out there. If you can get a job doing theater, or working at a sketch comedy show, people can see talent, and word


2. Hire all your friends to be your "Entourage".


3. Go to rehab, or have a personal tragedy, America loves a comeback.


4. Go on a reality show and start drama!

A pragmatic approach, assuming you have an appropriate aptitude or enough drive.

7. Get famous - the easy way!

1. Do something outrageously stupid and/or provocative. As long as it gets caught on camera, you're golden!


2. Upload the video to YouTube.


3. Create a personality that's outrageously stupid and provocative to match your video.


4. Fame!

I have a feeling, many people are trying this particular way.

8. The People Will Watch Anything Approach

1. Get a hand-held camera.


2. Take that camera to your day job.


3. Record everything you do.


4. Sell the tapes to Discovery Channel and say you've got the next American Chopper.

This might actually work, I've been thinking a reality-based "office" show is a niche not yet filled.

9. being peter scolari (michael from newhart show)

1. be a better actor then tom hanks and dont become big


2. get cast in bossoms buddys


3. come up with yuppy quips


4. bring bob newhart out of his shell bawababwa

If you're confused, you're not alone.

What happened to the tenth? Well, let's just say a friend of mine decided to prank my HIT by going directly against the instructions. I would have been angry if he hadn't left his name in the comments, so instead it became immensely funny. Unfortunately what he wrote was sexually explicit and I cannot, in good conscience, republish it here.